Fearful Optimism

Well, we're almost to the one week mark. Not an anniversary that we look forward to, that's for sure. Hubby is holding up well. He's excited about some opportunities that he has ahead. Plus, he's spending a lot of time with our son. It is so sweet seeing them playing together.

The interview went well. We're one step closer to knowing the fate of this opportunity. Because of other interviews to be held, hubby probably won't know anything until next week. Meanwhile, he is putting together a list of things to do around the house while he is off. Staying busy will be good for keeping this situation off of his mind.

My faith has been tested today. After the interview, I started getting kind of nervous. My mind says that we will be ok, but deep down I'm still scared. Looking at our bills due next week didn't help. It is as if I'm afraid to be optimistic about this job opportunity. I'm so afraid that if I let myself get excited about the job and relaxed about our situation, I will somehow jinx it. I know that may sound silly, but we have gone through this before - get excited and assured about a job only to have our hopes dashed. I can't bear to think of that happening this time. But, I've got to have faith.

When I feel this way, I also feel guilty. I know we are very fortunate to have each other (yes, I know that sounds cliche, just bear with me). There are families who have it much harder than we do. I went to a Volunteer Experience at Knox Area Rescue Ministries. I saw families with small children who live there. For whatever reason, they have lost their home and other possessions. I saw mothers who have had their children taken away by DCS. I saw fathers who were living on the streets, away from their families. Part of me felt very fortunate while another part of me felt very, very scared. Maybe one of these families has gone through something similar to what we've gone through. What if this happens to us? What will we do? Then I came home to a wonderful husband who is trying to find work and a sweet child who is a source of joy for both of us right now.

Then, I listen to President Bush tonight. I listen to him say "we're going through tough times". My mind knows that we'll get through this. I just hope my heart keeps the faith.