Still plugging along...

It's been a few days since I blogged, and I have to say I've missed it. It's been quite a week, I have to say. Hubby has continued his search for a job, but no luck so far. Although the number of leads have increased, which for that we are thankful. And, we were able to pay our bills that are due for this pay period (I get paid every other week). For once in a couple of weeks, I can breathe a little easier.

I had a little bit of a scare on Thursday. I was at work when I started having dizzy spells. I would be sitting at my desk working when, all of a sudden, the room would start spinning. I would have to hold on to my desk chair and try not to fall out. The spells would continue for about 30 seconds then stop. Then, after about a minute or two, another one would hit. At first, I thought that it might have been an anxiety attack because I was in emotional overload when they started.

First, hubby had met with the recruiter that morning who wanted to update him that there was no update (I know-sounded crazy to us too). The recruiter, though, is a very nice man who is trying very hard to find jobs for not only hubby but others as well. Then, my dad had called me. I love my dad. He is a really wonderful man. He and I have a special bond that exists between a father and daughter. We have inside jokes that we are constantly laughing at, and I can talk to him about anything that's going on. He is really worried about us as is my mom. They love us very much, and worry that we will not ask for help if we desperately need it. So, he called to reassure me that he and mom are there for us and will help with anything. I just can't stand the thought of taking money from them. I know that is what family is for, but they have struggled for so long. They are finally getting to a point where they don't have to struggle and worry so much, and the last thing I want to be is a burden on them. They deserve some peace, and the fact that I am causing them to worry breaks my heart. So, I reassured him that I would let him know if we needed help. And, I will keep that promise to him because he has always kept his promises to me. Next, a good friend came by to give me some advice about what we could do as far as finances. He is a sweet man who genuinely cares about me, and I do appreciate it. It's just hard because I don't want to be a distraction to everyone. It was after the 3rd visit that the dizzy spells got really bad and I almost passed out.

I thought that eating lunch might help, but it didn't. I almost passed out again and had a hard time making sense when I talked to people. So, I called the doctor and got an appointment very quickly. Stupid me drove myself to the doctor. But, my thought was if it was something silly, I would have caused someone to miss work. And, it did turn out to be something silly-a double ear infection. I thought that only happened to kids!! Does that mean I'm really a kid and not a grown up? Wouldn't that be a dream?? I'm thankful that is all it was and it wasn't something more serious. But, before I found out what it was, I was scared. What if it is something serious? What will we do? I'm the only one working right now and it's important that I keep working. Plus, I've been trying to stay healthy. I've been taking vitamins, working out, eating oranges like they are going out of style. I've tried eating healthier (although I HAVE to have a chili dog every now and then). Had all of this work gone to waste?

And, I've been crying a lot more lately. It is hard for me to accept gifts and prayers. Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate them. But, it's hard because I'm used to doing for others. We got a letter from our church letting us know that the ministerial staff are praying for us. It was signed by each one of them with little written notes from them. When I read it, I broke down. I couldn't hold it in. I saw my aunt at Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago. I had been able to tell others about what had happened without showing too much emotion. But, for some reason, when I told her, I started to cry-right there in the produce isle. Luckily, I was able to regain my composure quickly. I feel so bad when I cry, especially if hubby sees me. He needs someone who will be strong and not gripey or fussy or emotional. He needs someone who will take care of things and deal with these problems. He doesn't need someone who will just throw her hands up and run or walk around crying all the time.

I also feel so bad when I come home and gripe about my day at work. I've had a hard couple of weeks at work, and I'm the type that just has to vent or else I'll blow up. And, I usually vent to him. But, I feel even worse when I do because I feel like I'm making him feel bad that he's not working. Here he is desperately trying to find a job and here I come in griping about the job that I'm blessed to have. It's not right for me to do this, but it's worse for me to hold it in and let it keep building up.

A sweet friend of mine gave me a free dinner for two coupon yesterday. So, hubby and I are having a date night tonight. It will be nice just to go out and have a nice time together. It will be the best date we've had in a long time.